13th December: Tea-Time with Baby Julius

At this point I feel almost despondent to be so far behind the photoblog, but here are photographs from the day we went for a day out with Baby Julius:

First time at TWG, I was pretty excited!

The Guest of Honour came in this state. 

He got rather tired after all the cooing and cuddling. 

Journal Exercise Day 1

So Kanika and I have started a journal exercise/challenge thing where we have to journal for 30 days. I don't exactly remember what was the rationale behind it, but I think it has to do with reflection and the active intent of recording down thoughts as a kind of therapy. I'm actually pretty excited to embark on this because it would mean that I'll be able to record down what's happening on a day to day basis, which is what I intended to do with a blog in the first place - but of course that kind of went to hell after a while.

And what a day to begin on a journalling exercise! In the recent months, my Mondays have been rather routine. I don't have to get up particularly early which is great and my general work schedule is rather manageable, so my week usually starts of pleasantly, if not a little mundanely. Today had everything though - fatigue, boredom, anxiety fun, happiness, stress, relaxation, laziness, panic, rage. and finally the calm after the storm.

I don't know if this is going to sound too mechanical, but here is what I did in a nutshell:

• Headed to Danny's place to give him his morning feed, was delighted to see him but also sleepy as hell.
• Went in to the office to start on my syllabus preparation for term 2, hate the mundanity of printing/punching/stapling/sorting but also going crazy at the thought of my time crunch. 
• Ubered to school to have lunch with friends and to work on my term 1 progress reports, this was mostly fun and lighthearted - highest point of the day :3 
• Headed to WKW to work on FYP which was stressful but productive, also ate loads of food during this time, haha. 
• Finally went over to Danny's place to give him his dinner and then back home. 
• Was already prepared to go into relaxation mode but suddenly realised I had to prepare a lunchbox for my 0900-2100 work day tomorrow so I got cooking. 
• Started editing my FYP report, realised it was already 11pm and that I should get ready for bed quickly because I have an early and long day tomorrow.
• Start packing my bag, realised I had an entire stack of worksheets missing, stayed calm.
• Looked for the worksheets, couldn't find them, started to feel antsy.
• Found out that my dad who helped me out with some cutting of arts and craft stuff, had accidentally cut up all the worksheets as well.
• Panic
• Panic
• Panic
• Ugly Crying
• Panic
• Panic
• Ugly Crying While Trying Hopelessly To Glue The Pieces Back Onto Paper
• More Ugly Crying

Everything ended more or less well because I realised that there are other, more productive ways to solve my problem. But for that hour or so I felt like an utter mess. I had to think through my feelings seriously to understand why I felt so upset and angry.

1. I was exhausted from the day and already kind of grumpy at having to cook and do more work after getting home. So the sudden worksheet event was kind of the smelly icing on top of the rotten cake of my mood.
2. I was upset that my dad had cut up all my worksheets even though it was fairly obvious that they were not craft work (as they had instructions on them). 
3. Real reason: I knew that my dad was just trying to help and that it was my fault for not making sure that he was 100% clear on what I wanted. More importantly, I should have done the work by myself even though that would've meant that I would have been stretched even thinner than I already am. Mostly, I was upset at myself for having been so careless with my hard work. The fact that all that paper had gone to waste also infuriated me to no end.

I think my feelings were particularly strong because the past 2 weeks has been a rather stressful time for me, with serious deadlines looming up. I usually deal with deadlines well because I'm a stickler for scheduling but the recent months have been full of latent anxiety and stress dreams and I think they may have affected me more than I thought. 

What is truly unsettling to me is not knowing - not knowing what the future looks like for me; having to wait on people and administration to get an answer. Even then, there are so many hurdles to jump over before I can get to the next stage. I just feel like I may not be able to take it if things go awry after 2 years of careful planning and hard work.

But this may be a little too much for a first journal post. For now, I just want to get through this week with our FYP submission and closing the first term of teaching (before going crazy jumping into the next). Godspeed. 

Waking Up

 "The experience of dreaming is instructive here. Each night, we lie down to sleep, only to be stolen from our beds and plunged into a realm where our personal histories and the laws of nature no longer apply. Generally, we do not retain enough of a purchase on reality to even notice that anything out of the ordinary has happened. The most astonishing quality of dreams is surely our lack of astonishment when they arise. The sleeping brain seems to have no expectation of continuity from one moment to the next. (This is probably owing to the diminished activity in the frontal lobes that occurs during REM sleep.) Thus, sweeping changes in our experience do not, in principle, district from the unity of consciousness. Left to its own devices, consciousness seems happy to just experience one thing after the next. If my brain harbours only one conscious point of view - if all that is remembered, intended, and perceived as know by a single "subject" - then I enjoy unity of mind. The evidence is overwhelming, however, that such unity, if it ever exists in a human being, depends upon some humble tracts of white matter crossing the midline of the brain."

- Sam Harris

12th Dec: Bliss Out

One weekend in December, Sam convinced me to attend a huge yoga x music festival at Gardens by the Bay because one of his favourite bands were playing (at the end, they were the finale). I'll just go straight to the main feeling of the day which was - uncomfortable. It was pouring hours before the event commenced so it was pushed back 2 hours, after which the ground was wet.

Started the day off optimistically, decked out in my yoga gear even though I'm a complete beginner - Sam convinced me that it would be fun, I don't even know how. 

But first we stopped for food. 

I love Korean food! My only quip is that there are so many different kinds of side dishes and I only like a select few, so every time I order a meal, it's really like buying the lottery. This time, I TOTALLY WON IT. Here you can see two of my favourites in the mix: Sweet anchovies and sweet & spicy fishcake. Perf. 

We arrived and it had started raining...

We managed to find a shelter thankfully, and hung out there for 2 hours while it poured. 

The organisers finally opened the event area when the rain ceased! 

Crowd starting to fill in. 

Free coconut water. I hate coconut water, lol.

Cute little photo corners. 

Which I obliged to, haha. 

Free hammocks to try out! I love these things omg, though they did give me slight vertigo for some reason. 

Looks like my qt likes it too. 

The first yoga session was cancelled due to the rain, so the only one that proceeded was the advanced class which scared me shitless. Most of the people around looked really professional. I was also freaking out because I knew that Sam would leave me to do the yoga shiz at some point and go somewhere else to hang out and wait lol. 

Thankfully we bumped into my lucky stars! 

So I was willing to forgive him for dragging me to a shitty event where I didn't know anyone or anything + the terrible weather, lol. 

Somewhere around this point, Gabriel and I gave up and just stood around watching Kat, lol. 

After almost 1.5 hours of this, the session showed no signs of ceasing so I ran off to look for Sam

He was hanging out under these lovely dream catchers and fairy lights :3

Such a qtpai.

Because I was starving - another point of contention in my mind because I was already not feeling the event due to the long waiting time, the wet weather, so having to eat a kebab full of veggies (they were pre-made) after 1.5 hours of yoga... Made made want to murder someone.

Still, the lights were pretty, and I had cuddles. 

The boy got me some churros to stave off my hunger, I usually don't like to eat sweet things when I'm hungry but.. it was sweet of him and they did taste good (: 

Inch Chua was opening the concert and when she was 3/4 in, it started drizzling...

And then pouring... half an hour before the main act was due, it was unsure whether they would even play due to the terrible weather. Long story short, after huddling in the cold for what seemed like forever,  they came!!!

They played in the drizzle. 

Which soon became a heavy downpour. 

I went home wet, hungry, and kinda disgruntled, but I'm so glad Sam got to catch them after the "tortuous" day and wait! Also, I did enjoy their performance, even if I was soaked to the skin, hehe.

Anxiety

It has become a pattern for me to make sporadic updates here, mostly in the same vein - about how I'm neglecting this space etc etc. But yet I always make it a point to come back because it's still therapeutic for me to write down my thoughts as a reflection of sorts, even if they're coming out vague to a third person.

The final semester of university has been going by quickly. We're well on our way to the finale of our FYP, 1.5 more months to go and this will all be over in the larger sense (though some things will continue to run). I've been submitting my applications here and there and really have been hoping for the best. I must admit though, all these have been a large source of anxiety for me and I'm having trouble sleeping again.

I find myself often torn between wanting to savour the present and its irretrievable essence, and skipping ahead to the future where things are more settled. It's a needless dilemma of course, time will move at its own pace regardless of my whims.

Fingers crossed.

Cherry's Birthday Dinner

Photographs from the day we celebrated Cherry's birthday! The last month of 2015 was pretty hectic so I didn't have the time to dream up the perfect present for her so instead, I took her out on an all expense night out of fun. We had a pretty good time, hehe.

But of course I went to give these pups their dinner first!

My birthday girl.

We didn't do much, just a simple night at the movies then drinks and food after. We watched the final instalment of The Hunger Games, which I found riveting and she a little draggy. 

Always laughter with this girl. 

A girly drink for me, beer for her, and ribs for both. 

Love you to the moon and back <3