Feeling equal parts excitement and trepidation about the upcoming weeks. Somehow I always oscillate between feeling too idle and feeling suffocated. I can only hope that I somehow resurface breathing, the way I always do. It's funny because people expect you to be calm, confident, and fearless - simply because you have prevailed again and again. But what they don't realise is that you never really know. Each time, it looms up behind you and threatens to swallow you whole. Each time you can barely keep your eyes on the tsunami because you're too busy sandbagging the shore - just praying that you make it in time. I don't know how to explain that all encompassing fear. I don't know how to make you understand that I am nothing special, that I am fighting just as hard as anyone else - that this does not come to me naturally. I have been treading water for years to stay afloat.
I've been having it good lately. Apart from general stressors and the usual triggers in my personal life, I've been riding on a good wave since 2016. Despite some intense and aggravating periods, things have been pretty swell. But now I see myself swimming towards a future of which I only have minute control of and I fear that my grip will start careening out of control. All I ever want is to have control, to have agency. But even at 26 years of age, I find this difficult to grasp. I honestly don't know how much longer I can go without being able to steer my own ship.
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