Forward Facing

When I was in secondary school, I imagined how much better poly life would be - freedom to study a subject I liked, more independence, more "adult" status etc... It was indeed in many ways "better" than secondary education but then I found myself yearning for university.

My 4 years in undergrad was gruelling to say the least, yet it is unfair to say that I suffered or hated the experience. Conversely, despite the mandatory complaints, I thoroughly enjoyed every minute I had there. I think I learnt a lot more than I ever imagined I would, and had countless opportunities that would not have been made available to me had I not taken that academic route. And yet, during those moments, a part of me longed for the next step - postgraduate studies/further education/work overseas, anything really that lay ahead.

Such an attitude is of course not a particularly healthy one. I guess while it's important to have a goal in mind propelling you forward, it's also impractical to be constantly working on the basis that "the future will be better" because once the future becomes the present, we are no longer satisfied.

I've finally reached an impasse where I simultaneously want to be done with this part of my life, and  wish that I could prolong this chapter. There're just too many factors involved. It would be great to cease with the constant robotic overload of information into my brain, to stop worrying so much about financial issues, and most important of all, to alleviate the feeling of dependence (not owning my own place, being in debt to my parents, not having autonomy over medical/personal issues etc). And yet all that comes with all the burden of "proper" adulthood I suppose, which isn't all too bad. I guess the only more negative eventualities that I'm not so keen on are getting older (biologically) and having to face the rat race for real. While getting older is inevitable and arguably a silly thing to be unnerved by, I can't help wishing that I had more time to be young (let's leave it at that). And the rat race; it's all well and good to discuss things academically and talk about philosophy and literature, human rights and equality, but the fact remains that the world we live in is a cold and abrasive world. The real world is different from academia. The rat race is intense. Progress is painfully slow. As someone who cares too much about too many things, I'm afraid I will grow weary as time goes by.

I am just afraid that I will become one of those people who work hard at working hard and forget what's important. I'm afraid that I'll get lost while chasing the brighter future, and I'm afraid that the future will no longer be enough for me.

“Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. (...) You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.” 

― John Green, Looking for Alaska