There are a lot of things that I feel on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like I'm still discovering who I am, and yet that is somewhat incorrect - I know exactly who I am (most days). I guess what I really mean is that I feel a disconnect between the person I am, and the person I portray myself to be at times. Don't get me wrong, the person I present to the world, my friends, to colleagues, professionals, etc., that person is me. And yet there is so much more to me, that I think whether consciously or not, I conceal. I think that this unsettling feeling stems very much from insecurity; which I suspect has grown with me through childhood and adolescence.
I had a lot of friends and participated in many activities growing up, but I never truly felt like I belonged anywhere. And while I had a number of good friends whom I liked and enjoyed myself with, I've always had a sneaking suspicion that I was not good/funny/intelligent/sporty/insert anything else here enough for them. I have theories on why I grew up feeling this way and while I could blame others for this seemingly inherent insecurity that I possess, that will do nothing to change the past. Around the year I turned 20, I started building more self-worth and confidenc, but I'm still constantly a work in progress. Sometimes I feel those nasty insecurities creep up; I feel unattractive, unintelligent, untalented, and most of all resentful. It is not a nice feeling, and I hope to improve as I learn in life.
I want to be able to be confident of my intellect, my wit, my capability to be a good friend, daughter, girlfriend, and professional. I want all that without compromising my sense of humility, and the eagerness to continue to seek improvement. I want to be able to reconcile with the fact that it's going to be easier on some days, and a lot more difficult on other days. Mostly, I just want to stop having to feel like a 14 year old still trying to find her place in the world. I'll keep trying.
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