Treading Water

Feeling equal parts excitement and trepidation about the upcoming weeks. Somehow I always oscillate between feeling too idle and feeling suffocated. I can only hope that I somehow resurface breathing, the way I always do. It's funny because people expect you to be calm, confident, and fearless - simply because you have prevailed again and again. But what they don't realise is that you never really know. Each time, it looms up behind you and threatens to swallow you whole. Each time you can barely keep your eyes on the tsunami because you're too busy sandbagging the shore - just praying that you make it in time. I don't know how to explain that all encompassing fear. I don't know how to make you understand that I am nothing special, that I am fighting just as hard as anyone else - that this does not come to me naturally. I have been treading water for years to stay afloat.

I've been having it good lately. Apart from general stressors and the usual triggers in my personal life, I've been riding on a good wave since 2016. Despite some intense and aggravating periods, things have been pretty swell. But now I see myself swimming towards a future of which I only have minute control of and I fear that my grip will start careening out of control. All I ever want is to have control, to have agency. But even at 26 years of age, I find this difficult to grasp. I honestly don't know how much longer I can go without being able to steer my own ship.

To Love

“For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been given to us, the ultimate, the final problem and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation.”

- Rainer Maria Rilke

28th - 31st May 2018: Polly x Lost Doggie

Silly doge. 

Off to collect my new car! 

Our ferry to get the car hehe. 

So excited! 

Meet Polly! 

Beautiful sunset on the way to the park. 

Met little baby Hana! 

Italian style dinner prepared by Henry. 

Saying goodbye to his rope toy. 

Got his tail pulled out by accident, by Henry who stepped on him hahaha. 

Two incredibly wet (it was pouring) puppies rocked up at my window one morning so I ran out to let them in. This little dude was shivering and terrified. 

This one was really excited and just wanted to play. He had a city of Armadale tag on but no number or name, his friend didn't have any tags. 

Brought them to the vet to get their microchip scanned! The information was out of date and I couldn't stay for more than an hour so I left. But the nurses later called me to say that the doggies were reunited with their mum :') 

Good boy was there to help! 

It was a crazy ride to the vet with the crazy rain and wet dogs that were whining and making a mess, but I'm glad they got home! 

Cuddling/disturbing his aunty Qin while she tried to get work done. 

To the vet again for his vaccination, met this beautiful doge. 

First adult vaccination ever! My boy is growing up :') 

Also bumped into his classmate Max! 

Twin Airedales! 

Ended the night with Japanese dinner :3 

This Is The Garden:Colours Come And Go

this is the garden:colours come and go,
frail azures fluttering from night’s outer wing
strong silent greens silently lingering,
absolute lights like baths of golden snow.
This is the garden:pursed lips do blow
upon cool flutes within wide glooms,and sing
(of harps celestial to the quivering string)
invisible faces hauntingly and slow.

This is the garden. Time shall surely reap
and on Death’s blade lie many a flower curled,
in other lands where other songs be sung;
yet stand They here enraptured,as among
the slow deep trees perpetual of sleep
some silver-fingered fountain steals the world.

- E. E. Cummings 

24th - 27th May 2018: Dumplings x Puppies x BKT

Bier and I went to visit the Komo Kitties to cuddle their new kitties! 

Tried Yang's dumplings for dinner! 

I was most impressed by the shenjianbao, beautiful - so juicy. 

Gremlin's all about the toys. 

Pooped out after an entire evening of attention. 

Having some vitamin c after a good night of indulgence! 

We went to visit Casper and Leddy's new puppies! 

They were like tiny soft clouds, I love them so much <3 

Dream life. 

I LOVE YOUUUU

Off to Aunty Qin's house to chill! 

Yay! First time the silly boy encountered an elevator and he freaked out - something he'll have to get used to in Singapore since we live on the 21st floor! 

He had lots of fun times chilling and running around. 

Explorin' 

While the two of us studied ): 

Back home for BKT cooked by Charlie! It tasted so good, I can still remember the taste. 

Yassss. He cooked so much that I couldn't finish my portion, but the good thing about living with 4 boys is that there's never too much food for them lol. 

Silly puppy wanted some too but he couldn't because he's a doge :p