Note from 20 year old me

I was looking through some of my archives and found a little something that I wrote 5 years ago. I cringe a little at some of the stuff that I wrote back then but this one makes a little sense I think:

dear you, you’re 20 and lost. and i need to tell you that there’s a chance that you’ll never be found no matter how far you search. i need to tell you that that’s okay. that it’s alright to be wandering, that’s it’s okay to not know why the earth caves sometimes. i want you to know that this is a wonderful, exhilarating adventure. and that in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, you’ll look back and be enchanted by how far you’ve come. i want you to know that it’s okay when sometimes you can’t catch your breath, or when you can’t seal certain people away in the past that should’ve been forgotten long ago, or when you still can’t fall into step from the get-go. i want to let you know that it’s okay that you don’t have all the answers, and it’s perfectly fine that you’re not even close because it’s probable that you never will. i want you to relish in this moment, to look for the flicker of light when you’re amidst an ocean of darkness, to embrace stolen moments because you deserve them. i want you to breathe. i want you know that you’ll be okay. take a step back and breathe, you’re going to do just fine. love, you.

Photo Update: Last Week of Year 2017

So on one brilliant Monday morning, Juli and I dragged ourselves over the causeway to spend the day at JB. 

We cleared customs really quickly and were starving while waiting for the restaurants to open! 

I was practically salivating. 

SO GOOD.

I almost want to cry at the thought of these heavenly sticks...

So unhealthy but so so so so so goooooood.

We took the train back to Singapore! It was my first time and I must say I was impressed by how quick and easy the trip was. 5 times less stressful and tiresome compared to taking the bus. 

Christmas themed nails. 

My qtpie dropped in on my neighbourhood to provide cuddles. 

Lunch date with jiejie & mum on the day we went to pick up our photoshoot pictures! 

I miss having Sogurt :< 

I really like them! This is literally the first photoshoot I've ever been a part of where I don't totally hate the way I look haha. 

Date night with the boy. 

Look at his silly face

I think it was our first date since I got back from Europe, so I was super excited. 

Shooting fireballs HAHAHAHA.

Christmas dinner date lol. 

Fav place: Saveur

Exchanging belated christmas gifts with my sweetie meimei. 

Very pleased. 

Night out with the bestie! We ate loads. 

Found my twin. 

I'm not really a stuffed toy kinda person, but.. PUPPIES!!

And real puppies hehe. 

NYE lunch because the boy was having crazy cravings for noodles. 

Tryna pick out a present for his niece (we didn't get the unicorns) 

Having the chocolate bear I got her, she's so adorable :3 

Ushered in 2017 very quietly at home, just the two of us hanging out being silly while everyone else (my parents included lol wow) were out partying. I am blessed (: 

Ties That Bind

Every time an episode kicks off, I feel an inexplicable surge of sadness - the kind that falters and wanes, but rarely goes away. I wish I were stronger and more big hearted to be able to understand that people are people and that sometimes they're just going to push my buttons on purpose, but that it also doesn't mean that they love me less. It just means that they need my understanding, and love, and tolerance; but mannnnn does it get difficult on some days.

And I know that it's of absolutely no use to wish that someone was different. What I've learnt is that you can rarely change people, all you can do is to change yourself. But the question is also how much of yourself can you change before you're behaving like an entirely different person? And where do you place the burdens that these people put on you?

Logically, you should never give anyone who intentionally causes you distress any time of the day. But we're not talking about logic. We're talking about kinship, of blood not water, of ties that bind (sometimes too tightly). And there are different rules there. You don't cast people away because they're terrible, you understand that that part of them is loathsome, but a part of them nevertheless.

I don't want to describe certain behaviours as abuse, but they are - words can be abusive, they can inflict more hurt than anything else. I have been hurting for a long time, and just sometimes, it can get a little too hard to bear.

Live The Questions Now

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” 

― Rainer Maria Rilke

4th Dec: Third Year Anniversary

This year for our anniversary, we spent the weekend away just so we could enjoy each other's company in solitude and to kick back from work for a bit :3 

I was really delighted to see our destination as I had been wanting to visit Wanderlust for quite some time! 

I believe the room was one of the more premium rooms, it was really roomy and had a ton of natural light streaming in. Walked past a couple of other rooms in the corridor and they did look significantly smaller though cutely decorated. 

Bath with sliding doors, I love it. 

Thank you <3 

Dinner at the in house restaurant, Cocotte. 

Pricey of course, especially to my poor student sensibilities, but the service was good and the food amaaaazing. 

We shared a course of mussels which I didn't grab a picture of because it was sooooo good. 

Amazing pulled pork (I think??). I'm usually not a big fan of this kind of veggie, but it tasted wonderful with the sauce and seasoning. 

The picture looks so unassuming but I cannot rave enough about the chocolate tart. It was the best I've ever had, chocolatey but not sickly sweet; just the right texture and amazing crumbly base. Wish I could have it again :') 

From my qt hehe. 

Lunch the next day to adjust our stomachs, this was pretty amazing too.

Thank you my sweetheart, I love you <3 

And Our Faces, My Heart, Brief Like Photos

“What reconciles me to my own death more than anything else is the image of a place: a place where your bones and mine are buried, thrown, uncovered, together. They are strewn there pell-mell. One of your ribs leans against my skull. A metacarpal of my left hand lies inside your pelvis. (Against my broken ribs your breast like a flower.) The hundred bones of our feet are scattered like gravel. It is strange that this image of our proximity, concerning as it does mere phosphate of calcium, should bestow a sense of peace. Yet it does. With you I can imagine a place where to be phosphate of calcium is enough.”

 ― John Berger

Photo Update: 1st - 7th Dec 2016

Hanging out in the hood with busy Juli who's well on her way to being an amazing teacher. I'm so proud of her :')

Bumped into Tolly while enroute to tuition, he's always so happy and excited. I spotted him rolling and splashing in some puddles. 

But he did pause for a couple of minutes for some cuddles. 

Then it was back to splashing! He's such a big silly baby. 

Blood test for visa, I was poked 6 times before they got any blood (which was all for nothing because I had to do it all over again when I got to Perth.....)

Qtpai was an angel for his Christmas play!

Saturday morning being pampered by my boy who brought over my fav food with extra ingredients! I miss Nasi Lemak so much.

Made these puppets for my kids. 

Onwards for his family's BBQ. 

Suspenseful and hilarious gift exchange :3 

She loved it. 

Met my bestie for dinner. 

Because her birthday was approaching! 

Luv this girl. 

Lunch time with Sharan so that we could compile Kanika's birthday parcel! 

Was so excited for her to receive it! 

Searching for my holiday read. 

I intended to get just one book but that hardly ever works out well for me, hehe. 

Saying bye to the kids before leaving for Europe for 2 weeks. 

<3