Journal Day 4

So it turns out that I have been mistaken, the 30 day journal challenge includes daily prompts to address. I did not know this and have carelessly skated through the past 3 days, oops. As requested, I'll do a make-up for day 2 and start on day 4 proper as well.

Day 2: On this day, I was supposed to come up with a 6-word memoir of my life so far - which I was immediately daunted by. Hahaha, wtf a 6 word memoir???????????? I don't know if this is any good or if its truly representative but here we go:

"Missed the train, caught the bus."

Day 4: Pick a habit that you'd like to eliminate from your life. Bad habits are like armpits, we all have 'em and they all stink (......) think about the steps you'll take in order to put the kibosh on that negative habit. And again, also think about how you'll keep yourself accountable to that goal.

I think that when it comes to Sam, I sometimes lose my temper too quickly when I'm upset - especially when he doesn't seem to understand why. With anyone else, it would be much easier for me to voice my issue calmly but with him, I get set off pretty quickly if he doesn't catch on soon enough. This could also be because we have such a close relationship that there are very few social norms or etiquette that effectively bar me from going crazy without thinking about the consequences. This is tricky because when there's a lot of heat, it's highly likely that that I will explode. The cooling down method doesn't work for me either because when I have an issue, I tend to want to tackle it immediately so that I can calm myself down with a resolution. Waiting or cooling off periods generally make me antsy and even more upset - sometimes way more upset than required.

I don't know if this counts as a tangible step exactly, but I hope that in the event this happens again (who am I kidding, it definitely will lol), I'll be able to recall this exercise and remind myself to speak nicely and effectively. The thing with Sam is that sometimes when I speak nicely, he doesn't think that what I'm saying is a big deal so it's important to choose my words wisely. Perhaps I'll try to remember a couple of nice things that he did for me before going all batshit cray.

Accountability? Hmmm baby steps me thinks, I guess I will ask my trusty Kanikaaaaaa if the way I reacted/responded was justified or not.

^Okay definitely not great progress but hey at least I tried? Wink ;)

15th - 17th Dec: Work

Some updates from work days in December, it feels like such a long time ago. Back then we were making preparations to launch BFFsg and now we're well into the evaluation stage. Successfully handed in our final report this afternoon but the campaign will still continue to run as per normal. I'm not sure where is the end game but I'm glad that all has been proceeding well. Anyway pictures:

Postcard all the way from Exeter, posted by Hazel :3 

Coffee meeting with one of our earlier sponsors. 

Saw the cutest little bebby.

December was my last month teaching the munchkins at Clementi. 

Drawing show and tell. 

Hopheads for their wings promo. The pasta is pretty damn amazing. 

Died from spiciness. 

Day of BFFsg photoshoot!

My favourite baby Chase was in attendance!

Yummy mummies and their babies :')

Baby yoga.

Little pupper all pooped out.

<3

Journal Exercise Day 3

Just a quick one again tonight because it's already 0300 and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to last the entire day tomorrow. Our FYP final report is due at 2pm and its the reason why I'm still up at this hour, combing the report for errors, adjusting borders and correcting formatting issues. I'm feeling a little antsy and rattled at having to work on this at the eleventh hour. My personal working style rejects doing any work outside of administration on the last day. All cognitive work should be completed at least 2 days before the deadline with the buffer time left to make final checks and to ensure ample time for processing in case of any administration error (printing/binding issues). This by no means suggest that I am always on a time crunch and have to work late to adhere to my self-imposed deadlines - No, I simply start early and take a systematic approach so that I do not have the extra chore of having to reorganise my work after "vomiting" out content.

So I don't take kindly to staying up all night to complete an assignment that is due the next day, let alone the biggest assignment of my undergraduate life. Don't get me wrong, I am not placing blame; the reality of working in groups is that you have to adjust to the work-style of your teammates and I am not one to refuse to be a team player. Besides, they are great teammates who are responsible and produce quality work. I'm just saying that this style exhausts me and as a result, I am up here at 0308 rattling on because my mind is now too stimulated to sleep. I look forward to saying goodbye to such a lifestyle ASAP.

Allow me one complaint: I have a full day of work tomorrow followed by evening lessons and I already feel grumpy because I know that I will be fighting fatigue. Does not help that the following day lends no opportunity for rest either. I can't wait for this week to be over!

In more positive news, I received my first acceptance letter this afternoon so that's pretty great. One more hurdle to get pass before I can finally heave a sigh of relief, one step closer to setting the scene for the proceeding years after graduation :3

14th December: FYP Christmas Party

So last Christmas, my FYP group decided to have our own little Christmas party to wind down and chill out together. Now that I'm writing this, I wish that I've been more timely in updating because I remember that it was an awesome night but no longer remember more specific information that would make this post more interesting :S

But first, Italian food at Wicked Garlic! I love their pasta and risotto, awesome taste at affordable prices (: 

Then dessert at a quaint little cafe called Banana Tree. I love the natural lighting and the cute decor!

That potted plant is actually our dessert!

Shopping for more food to contribute to our potluck!

A little bubbly for celebrations. 

Post-Dinner.

Birthday surprise!

<3

Journal Exercise Day 2

I honestly don't quite know how I'm still alert at 2:18am after getting up at 0700 and working almost literally from day to night. The day didn't start too peachy but I'd like to think that I got through it pretty well. To be honest, I think I have a love-hate relationship with work. Half the time I long for just enough free time to lounge in bed and do absolutely nothing but eat and watch garbage, yet on the other hand, job satisfaction keeps me whirring and running. Still, I look forward for things to quieten down a little bit in the coming weeks so that I can regulate the system and prevent overheating before I get fried. Just a short entry tonight, I need to rest.

13th December: Tea-Time with Baby Julius

At this point I feel almost despondent to be so far behind the photoblog, but here are photographs from the day we went for a day out with Baby Julius:

First time at TWG, I was pretty excited!

The Guest of Honour came in this state. 

He got rather tired after all the cooing and cuddling. 

Journal Exercise Day 1

So Kanika and I have started a journal exercise/challenge thing where we have to journal for 30 days. I don't exactly remember what was the rationale behind it, but I think it has to do with reflection and the active intent of recording down thoughts as a kind of therapy. I'm actually pretty excited to embark on this because it would mean that I'll be able to record down what's happening on a day to day basis, which is what I intended to do with a blog in the first place - but of course that kind of went to hell after a while.

And what a day to begin on a journalling exercise! In the recent months, my Mondays have been rather routine. I don't have to get up particularly early which is great and my general work schedule is rather manageable, so my week usually starts of pleasantly, if not a little mundanely. Today had everything though - fatigue, boredom, anxiety fun, happiness, stress, relaxation, laziness, panic, rage. and finally the calm after the storm.

I don't know if this is going to sound too mechanical, but here is what I did in a nutshell:

• Headed to Danny's place to give him his morning feed, was delighted to see him but also sleepy as hell.
• Went in to the office to start on my syllabus preparation for term 2, hate the mundanity of printing/punching/stapling/sorting but also going crazy at the thought of my time crunch. 
• Ubered to school to have lunch with friends and to work on my term 1 progress reports, this was mostly fun and lighthearted - highest point of the day :3 
• Headed to WKW to work on FYP which was stressful but productive, also ate loads of food during this time, haha. 
• Finally went over to Danny's place to give him his dinner and then back home. 
• Was already prepared to go into relaxation mode but suddenly realised I had to prepare a lunchbox for my 0900-2100 work day tomorrow so I got cooking. 
• Started editing my FYP report, realised it was already 11pm and that I should get ready for bed quickly because I have an early and long day tomorrow.
• Start packing my bag, realised I had an entire stack of worksheets missing, stayed calm.
• Looked for the worksheets, couldn't find them, started to feel antsy.
• Found out that my dad who helped me out with some cutting of arts and craft stuff, had accidentally cut up all the worksheets as well.
• Panic
• Panic
• Panic
• Ugly Crying
• Panic
• Panic
• Ugly Crying While Trying Hopelessly To Glue The Pieces Back Onto Paper
• More Ugly Crying

Everything ended more or less well because I realised that there are other, more productive ways to solve my problem. But for that hour or so I felt like an utter mess. I had to think through my feelings seriously to understand why I felt so upset and angry.

1. I was exhausted from the day and already kind of grumpy at having to cook and do more work after getting home. So the sudden worksheet event was kind of the smelly icing on top of the rotten cake of my mood.
2. I was upset that my dad had cut up all my worksheets even though it was fairly obvious that they were not craft work (as they had instructions on them). 
3. Real reason: I knew that my dad was just trying to help and that it was my fault for not making sure that he was 100% clear on what I wanted. More importantly, I should have done the work by myself even though that would've meant that I would have been stretched even thinner than I already am. Mostly, I was upset at myself for having been so careless with my hard work. The fact that all that paper had gone to waste also infuriated me to no end.

I think my feelings were particularly strong because the past 2 weeks has been a rather stressful time for me, with serious deadlines looming up. I usually deal with deadlines well because I'm a stickler for scheduling but the recent months have been full of latent anxiety and stress dreams and I think they may have affected me more than I thought. 

What is truly unsettling to me is not knowing - not knowing what the future looks like for me; having to wait on people and administration to get an answer. Even then, there are so many hurdles to jump over before I can get to the next stage. I just feel like I may not be able to take it if things go awry after 2 years of careful planning and hard work.

But this may be a little too much for a first journal post. For now, I just want to get through this week with our FYP submission and closing the first term of teaching (before going crazy jumping into the next). Godspeed. 

Waking Up

 "The experience of dreaming is instructive here. Each night, we lie down to sleep, only to be stolen from our beds and plunged into a realm where our personal histories and the laws of nature no longer apply. Generally, we do not retain enough of a purchase on reality to even notice that anything out of the ordinary has happened. The most astonishing quality of dreams is surely our lack of astonishment when they arise. The sleeping brain seems to have no expectation of continuity from one moment to the next. (This is probably owing to the diminished activity in the frontal lobes that occurs during REM sleep.) Thus, sweeping changes in our experience do not, in principle, district from the unity of consciousness. Left to its own devices, consciousness seems happy to just experience one thing after the next. If my brain harbours only one conscious point of view - if all that is remembered, intended, and perceived as know by a single "subject" - then I enjoy unity of mind. The evidence is overwhelming, however, that such unity, if it ever exists in a human being, depends upon some humble tracts of white matter crossing the midline of the brain."

- Sam Harris