Journal Exercise Day 1

So Kanika and I have started a journal exercise/challenge thing where we have to journal for 30 days. I don't exactly remember what was the rationale behind it, but I think it has to do with reflection and the active intent of recording down thoughts as a kind of therapy. I'm actually pretty excited to embark on this because it would mean that I'll be able to record down what's happening on a day to day basis, which is what I intended to do with a blog in the first place - but of course that kind of went to hell after a while.

And what a day to begin on a journalling exercise! In the recent months, my Mondays have been rather routine. I don't have to get up particularly early which is great and my general work schedule is rather manageable, so my week usually starts of pleasantly, if not a little mundanely. Today had everything though - fatigue, boredom, anxiety fun, happiness, stress, relaxation, laziness, panic, rage. and finally the calm after the storm.

I don't know if this is going to sound too mechanical, but here is what I did in a nutshell:

• Headed to Danny's place to give him his morning feed, was delighted to see him but also sleepy as hell.
• Went in to the office to start on my syllabus preparation for term 2, hate the mundanity of printing/punching/stapling/sorting but also going crazy at the thought of my time crunch. 
• Ubered to school to have lunch with friends and to work on my term 1 progress reports, this was mostly fun and lighthearted - highest point of the day :3 
• Headed to WKW to work on FYP which was stressful but productive, also ate loads of food during this time, haha. 
• Finally went over to Danny's place to give him his dinner and then back home. 
• Was already prepared to go into relaxation mode but suddenly realised I had to prepare a lunchbox for my 0900-2100 work day tomorrow so I got cooking. 
• Started editing my FYP report, realised it was already 11pm and that I should get ready for bed quickly because I have an early and long day tomorrow.
• Start packing my bag, realised I had an entire stack of worksheets missing, stayed calm.
• Looked for the worksheets, couldn't find them, started to feel antsy.
• Found out that my dad who helped me out with some cutting of arts and craft stuff, had accidentally cut up all the worksheets as well.
• Panic
• Panic
• Panic
• Ugly Crying
• Panic
• Panic
• Ugly Crying While Trying Hopelessly To Glue The Pieces Back Onto Paper
• More Ugly Crying

Everything ended more or less well because I realised that there are other, more productive ways to solve my problem. But for that hour or so I felt like an utter mess. I had to think through my feelings seriously to understand why I felt so upset and angry.

1. I was exhausted from the day and already kind of grumpy at having to cook and do more work after getting home. So the sudden worksheet event was kind of the smelly icing on top of the rotten cake of my mood.
2. I was upset that my dad had cut up all my worksheets even though it was fairly obvious that they were not craft work (as they had instructions on them). 
3. Real reason: I knew that my dad was just trying to help and that it was my fault for not making sure that he was 100% clear on what I wanted. More importantly, I should have done the work by myself even though that would've meant that I would have been stretched even thinner than I already am. Mostly, I was upset at myself for having been so careless with my hard work. The fact that all that paper had gone to waste also infuriated me to no end.

I think my feelings were particularly strong because the past 2 weeks has been a rather stressful time for me, with serious deadlines looming up. I usually deal with deadlines well because I'm a stickler for scheduling but the recent months have been full of latent anxiety and stress dreams and I think they may have affected me more than I thought. 

What is truly unsettling to me is not knowing - not knowing what the future looks like for me; having to wait on people and administration to get an answer. Even then, there are so many hurdles to jump over before I can get to the next stage. I just feel like I may not be able to take it if things go awry after 2 years of careful planning and hard work.

But this may be a little too much for a first journal post. For now, I just want to get through this week with our FYP submission and closing the first term of teaching (before going crazy jumping into the next). Godspeed.