Tides are turning

I've been having a rather busy past couple of weeks. No where near as hectic as during the school semesters but busy nonetheless. Made a short trip to HK and got to catch up with some old friends which was really delightful to me despite the crazy heat and constant crowds. I really appreciate reconnecting with loved ones because we're so often caught up in our own little lives that we only realised much later how much we've lost touch. I think recently, so many things in my life have been changing and all these big changes have served to remind me of smaller changes that I had otherwise missed before.

The tides are truly turning. I'm perfectly happy about where I am today and where I'm headed but I can't help feeling nostalgic and somewhat pensive about things that I've left behind - some by choice, and others not quite so. In the course of five years, I've seen many people come and go; these comings and goings mostly occur in an amicable and natural manner but the weight of loss still hangs over me sometimes. I don't know if I will ever grow out of feeling loss so acutely in my heart. 

Yesterday I learnt of some inevitable news that I had forgotten to wait for. It has been 8 years in the making and I am nowhere as near breaking than I was then - which is a natural and positive thing that I ought not to be proud of. People grow up, you're supposed to be more resilient with time. I remember at 16, I felt like I would barely be able to take in such information and not have myself altered entirely by it. Of course I no longer feel that way. At 16, you feel as if a lot has happened to you in life, but in reality, you've barely touched the tip of the iceberg. So yes, I am not demolished by news which I knew would eventually come. And yet, 8 years later, as inevitable as it has been, despite the large amount of space and time in between, I feel. 

I don't know what it is I feel, but I feel it deeply within me. I'd like to think that a large part of it has to do with nostalgia, and a little part selfishness. I've never been good at letting go of things. It doesn't matter if they choose to leave me or if I don't want them anymore, and this is true for a number of people whom I've lost over the years. Some were terrible for me, yes, but many others simply left after doing a lot of good in my life. And even though I am happy without them now, I find myself yearning for a lost time in the in between moments.