Saying Goodbye

5 days ago, I woke up to a text message from my mum informing me of the demise of my paternal grandmother. It was a strange feeling; we had never been close to her nor most of our relatives on that side, save for my 姑姑's (father's sister) immediate family. Instead of the grief that usually follows after such an announcement, all I felt was poignantly upset for not feeling more sad.

I never knew her real name as I always called her "ah ma" (the hokkien dialect for "grandmother"). She was a shy and reserved person who often had little (if not nothing) to say. Her 5 sons very much took after her: strong, silent, aloof. Throughout my childhood, I do not have a single memory of conversation between her and myself. The only thing I knew about her was that her favourite food was crab, and even that I overheard from some adult conversation.

She had a long life I guess, though the last decade must've been a terribly long one for her. She had a stroke 11 years ago, and lost most of her speech and mobility by the 3rd or 4th year. Apart from that, her health was fine - which may have made things worse, she was confined to the bed for the last 9 years of her life. It is no surprise that following this, we had even less of an intimate relationship with her as she became mostly unresponsive towards us.

If I felt that I had a lack of empathy before, I was certainly proven wrong today. Standing amongst my cousins and uncles and aunties, most of whom I only see once a year and have little relationship with, I felt an outpouring of togetherness and support. Kinship ties us together in an inexplicable way. Though I can more or less safely say that none of us grandchildren had an intimate relationship with her; today, we all felt the weight of the loss that her demise brought to us. I'm proud of the way that we all supported each other in this difficult time, I'm glad that at the very end, there was a shared appreciation for our grandma and shared anguish about her departure. 

It feels strange to move forward sometimes when certain things are left behind. Yet today I think I'd like to remember the few precious things I know about her. She was never one to impose her beliefs or values on other people, and I'd like to believe that I'm the same way. I'd like to live as she did - to love freely and indiscriminately. 

She was a Taoist all her life. I'm no saint and I don't profess to know everything. But I do know that my God is a God of love, and He is so amazing that we in our weakness can never truly understand what He is like. I can only pray that there is a realm where our loved ones go to rest peacefully. Wherever her soul is, I hope that she is at rest.