As I was having my lunch alone I realized that I no longer feel sad or lonely when I have to do things independently. I think that this is really a sign of growth for me. Growing up, despite being mostly a cheerful and well-adjusted child (or so I'd like to believe), I've always still felt an unwavering sense of loneliness. I always needed to be around people to feel secure. I think a lot of that ironically, stemmed from the fact that I never quite felt like I fitted in with the crowd I was with. And that was a very consistent theme in my growing up years.
When I first entered kindergarten in Singapore, it was midway through the last year of school. Having just gotten back from 2 years of early childhood education in America, I had an angmo accent and could barely say a Chinese word beyond my own name. This differentiated me from my classmates who seemed (from my memory at least) to speak predominantly Mandarin. I remember feeling upset and out of place almost every single day. Good lord, the struggle was real - it's kinda difficult to fit in when you can't even communicate in the simplest way possible (I.e speaking).
Things got better in primary school of course, I had assimilated back to Singapore, lost my accent and picked up the local twang. 4 years later however, we relocated (for a short stint) to a small town in Australia. I wouldn't say that the transition was hard, it wasn't anything dramatic like that. I liked school there (it was easy peasy compared to back here), I had friends, and life was mostly peachy. Over there though, I was distinctly aware that I was part of an "out group", the distinction was made more obvious especially because there weren't as many Asians in our small town compared to other larger cities in Australia. I never felt like I truly belonged.
I came back to Singapore for my secondary school years and of course, things were alright. I coped well with school, joined various CCAs and was mostly kept busy with school and church activities. Yet, I realized that I had so many different groups of friends with whom I hung out with at different activities, that I ended up feeling like I didn't belong to any distinct group. It is an interesting human condition I feel, to have the desire to "belong" somewhere - I guess we're very much like pack animals in that sense.
I think I felt most out of place during my polytechnic years. Despite some initial negative experiences, I mostly got along well with my course mates and was once again very involved in various school activities. However, even though I loved spending time with those friends and enjoyed my time there, I was at the age where I fully understood and recognised that they were of a different "wavelength" from me - on some fundamental levels, we would never find a common ground. That could be uncomfortable at times, sure, but it wasn't bad at all.
I think entering university really opened me up, in all sense of the word. Not that I've been particularly close minded, I'd like to believe that I maintain a keen sense of openness towards embracing new experiences and schools of thought (okay starting to veer off topic). What I mean to say is that I started learning how to become comfortable in my own skin. It also helped that I finally began meeting people whom I felt were on the same wavelength as me - I don't know, maybe I'm a nerd because who finds themselves in university right 😂😂
I'm not sure if I "found" people whom I felt truly comfortable with because I was finally comfortable with myself, or if the truth was vice versa , or even if the two are related at all. But I do believe that a large part of it is about growing up and growing into being your own person. And I think I'm proud of who I've become. I don't mean to say that I'm perfectly content (because wow how arrogant lol), but life is a process and I think I'm.. Progressing well.
Okay I've clearly never stopped being a rambler though. All these words just because I realized that I'm cool with eating alone lol. Get over yourself Aly.
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