Homebound(bind)

I've been thinking about home a lot in the recent days, rather uncharacteristic of me because I'm usually glad to be out and away. Not because I don't love home or the people there, but because I love feeling free and without a care - I mean this in the most general way possible because I'm still a stickler for rules most days. 3 months spent in Europe has gone by and to be honest, I'm not quite sure if they've flown or dragged by. I'm at that weird state inside of my head where time seems to go too fast and too slow both at the same time - it's a strange place to be at.

I love being able to have more time to myself here, there's less pressure (let's face it, waaaaaay less pressure) from school, easier access to travelling, and a lot of time for me to enjoy my books. There's no immediate need for me to stress about financial issues or the impending senior years at university or even worry about my parents' nagging too much (though they still succeed in doing so over the airwaves). Yet, a part of me misses the hustle bustle, the plain comforts of home, the familiarity, and being with the people I care for the most.

The idea of heading back to "reality" is daunting though. The thought of my ever-expanding pile of tuition loans, the impending stress of "what to do with my life", and countless other minute banal concerns - they drive me absolutely crazy. It's not that I do not know what I want, the problem is that there're just too many things that I want; and I'm not sure if I can make the right decisions. Worse, I'm not sure if there is a right decision. Worst case scenario: there is one - and I choose to go after it, and it doesn't work out. I'm usually an eternal optimist, but leaving the comfort of education scares the balls off me. There're just too many possibilities and too many limitations at the same time.

(Sometimes I don't know if I'm even making sense to anyone anymore).

I want to go on to get my masters degree; I always wanted to do it abroad but now I know realistically, there isn't any room for me to do so in the financial sense - not with my already sky-high debts. I've always performed respectably, reasonably well, enough to keep everyone happy; but it has never been enough to push me any further - sometimes I still don't know how I feel about that. I don't know if I can be happy with just saying "I've done my best", sometimes it still doesn't feel like it's enough.

The backup plan has always been to work abroad for a few years, go into private education (because God knows, I'd rather be a housewife than join MOE - not saying that a housewife is a bad career choice, just that it's not something I want), get some money and experience. Now, I'm not so sure if I could leave home again for so long. There're other backup plans of course, slightly less exciting but attractive nonetheless; the question is though, how do you know which you should choose? We grew up trained to favour practicality above all else, and that has been ingrained so deeply in me that the passionate rebel (that rarely makes an appearance) side barely dares to lift her head.

But some days I still want to. I want to explore the world and live in new places - in foreign cities where the accents are strange and the food scary at times. But I also want to settle in nicely in a city I love with the people I love around me, to live comfortably in a stable environment. I want A, B, C, D, E, F, G, but there's always a "but". I know I can't have it all, I just don't know which I want more.

I am tied to everything I own, love, am.